Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Who called it baking and not making love
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.