I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat: