@1Happytwit: I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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@RoastedPapad: *Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.
@MissNaughty1801: 8y:thank you for the present grandma ....: no need.. 8y: that's what I thought too but mum said I have to
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]