@1Happytwit: I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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@Bry_Mac: An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
@abbycohenwl: [cat hospital] Cat Nurse: Let's get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]