I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Don’t we all.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls