I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
When I said I liked it rough.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.