I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain