@TheCatWhisprer: I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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@iGreenMonk: Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
@CourtneyBale: Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I've got something that'll blow your minds. Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*