I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.