I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
😏😏😏
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.