I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule