I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk