*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
that de-escalated quickly
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any