@coketruck76: I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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@shatterpants: I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.
@EndhooS: [1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?
@MommaUnfiltered: I'm at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters... I understand why you want to see my ID.
@psybermonkey: Son: Daddy are we poor? Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?