I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Happens to everyone.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.