I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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Said the murderer.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.