DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned