I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
The Backseat Boys
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage