[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!