Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You Might Also Like
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: