@kelkulus: I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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@notalogin: Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh
@theshamingofjay: Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
@Reverend_Scott: OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET? Cop: Sir, you're still laying on the ground where you fell down.