I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy