@Black__Elvis: I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it.
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@Schmoodles: I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
@Xoolun: When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
@BobTheSuit: The self-checkout screen says "Finish and pay." I feel like I'm with an irritable hooker.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians* When walking: *shakes fist at motorists* When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*