[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
when mom throws a party…
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I think I’ll stand
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I can’t stop watching this.