@Black__Elvis: I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it.
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@GABBYdaAngSaya: Genie: I'll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That's very nice of you
@robdelaney: ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!” COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
@ComedicBust: *On my Deathbed* Me: Tell Tac.. *cough* Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..