@Black__Elvis: I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it.
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@NoFucksWereGave: My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, "There's an idiot at the end of this ruler!" I got detention after asking which end.
@SwartyComedy: They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years.
@OVLH: "He's more scared of you than you are of him" - Girl coaching her friend into talking to me