I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
some cats are just doing for fun!
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..