I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
when nothing goes right… go left
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.