Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
ok this is my dumbest yet
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.