Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️