I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait