*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
What
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.