@wolfpupy: i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier
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@Love_bug1016: Him: you watch too much Food Network Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote Him: its toast and jelly
@cravin4: To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I'm sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
@jjhartinger: Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party Also, I tried Ambien
@Mr_Kapowski: [restaurant] Man *proposing to his gf*: "Will you make me the happiest man alive?" [me, alone, eating nachos a table over] "Not possible"