[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
You Might Also Like
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order