People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
This week’s mood.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.