@paulhorne: I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I'm some stalker weirdo.
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@teacup_giraffe: My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
@DurtMcHurtt: The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you're not even there.
@AbbyHasIssues: Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
@Carter_TCB: One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.