I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
everyone has that one prude friend
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.