I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.