Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.