I was just discussing this with my cat
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.