I was just discussing this with my cat
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If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Isn’t
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.