I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My dog learned how to text
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
This trial is so absurd 😭
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom