I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other