@twelveyearsold: i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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@AmberTozer: Good thing "you only live once" has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it's no big deal
@Midgetgems26: When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says 'WET PAINT' because I don't want people sitting on my bench.
@SirEviscerate: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
@Elephart: When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.