I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps