I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.