My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
You Might Also Like
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?