I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
You Might Also Like
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.