I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet