I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside