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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me