[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
work smarter, not harder
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds