HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
i think both sides are to blame here
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit