Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
just left a huge legacy in there
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I wish I could veto my bills.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.