I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.