Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
You Might Also Like
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…