@samfromks: I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
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@1evilidiot: What's with the attitude? I don't know what's gotten into you but I know what hasn't.
@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff? She’s a criminal mastermind.
@matt___nelson: ME: time for sleep BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk ME: ugh BRAIN: and make friends with one another ME: please stop BRAIN: best spuds