@samfromks: I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@thatUPSdude: Her: We have rats! Me: We do? Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies! Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.
@SteveSackington: My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
@iamk1ts: As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God