@samfromks: I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
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@TheBeerGuy73: My ex texted "You've got a friend in me. XoXo". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
@AlexvanBeek: Being a bigger account doesn't make you a better person. We're all terrible people. We're on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
@SADCHICANA: why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
@MoodyBlx: People who own Hummers and Range Rovers, what's the thinking here? "I might have to drive up to Iraq for a weekend?"