@samfromks: I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
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@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside* "What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?" *sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@CauseWereGuys: The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
@causticbob: An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
@k_lli: If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god.