CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels