—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Jupiter
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…